Still Trying to Get Closer

I love Jesus. But lately, I’ve been struggling. Not with belief — but with consistency. With energy. With feeling spiritually awake.

Lately I’ve been trying to build my relationship with Yahweh. I want to draw closer to Jesus. And I have these moments — these short, intense seasons — where I go all in. I surround myself with praise and worship, I talk to God, I fast, I pray. I mean it.

But they only last two or three days at a time. And then, just like that, I fall back into slumber. Days turn into weeks where I feel demotivated and spiritually heavy. It’s hard to shake. Hard to open my Bible. Hard to stay focused enough to sit with the Word. Outside is loud. Social media is louder. My mind is the loudest of all.

I’ve been battling with feeling unfulfilled. Wrestling with where I am versus where I thought I’d be. I read about God’s promises, but I wonder — am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong? Why am I not “there” yet?

Still, I keep praying. I ask Yahweh to reveal the secret things to me. I want understanding, peace, alignment. And even in the confusion, even in the inconsistency, I know one thing:

Jesus sits on the throne.

He’s had my back more times than I can count. The sacrifice He made for me — it’s incomprehensible. It moves me, even when I feel far. Even when I feel like I’m not doing enough.

I’m human. I’m being real. I love Jesus. I love Yahweh. I’m a proud Christian.

And I want to do better.

But for now, I’ll just keep coming back.

Even if it’s just for two or three days at a time.

Even if I don’t have the words.

Even if I don’t feel worthy.

Because He’s still worthy.

Note to self: God isn’t measuring your silence. He just wants you to come back.